Chasing a purpose defeats the purpose. It should come and go, like these things tend to do.
And when it comes, it is nothing more than a thought. A man made thought. Something that desperately tries to fill that small empty corner at the back of your mind where you feel the need to prove yourself. To others. A reason to exist. A direction.
And while you are feeling all of this, you look around you and get mad. Jealous of those who seem to have it. The purpose. A ladder to climb. The career. Or more importantly: a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Now that we have established all of that, and we are being completely honest with each other, let me tell you about my purpose.
I feel the need to make films. Otherwise I feel worthless. I talked myself into this dream because I needed a dream to get away from the family house. Apparently I quite like this dream I made up, and I spend a lot of time trying to get better at it. But every day, in small quiet mostly random moments, I hesitate.
Am I good enough to go through with this? Is there some talent? Or am I just lucky? And why do I feel like an imposter chasing someone else’s dream? I look at the work of the people around me and try to celebrate it. I try not to think too long before deciding to do something. To do anything.
But there is not a moment where I don’t question myself or everything.
I am deeply insecure about almost all of it.
And sometimes I need my friends to tell me the work I made is quite alright. And when they say nothing at all, I start to feel like I have failed them and myself. Yet I cannot stop chasing this dream.
Because what else is there?
So long story short: You’re not missing out.
Having a purpose is not the same as living. It’s just an excuse to chase something without excusing yourself. I don’t think everyone needs a purpose. But if you really want one, get ready to be uncomfortable. Because comfortable is the quiet killer of everything creative.
